{"id":295,"date":"2023-07-31T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-31T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/lifes-big-transitions-and-what-being-self-sufficient-means\/"},"modified":"2025-09-03T18:55:33","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:55:33","slug":"lifes-big-transitions-and-what-being-self-sufficient-means","status":"publish","type":"essays","link":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/lifes-big-transitions-and-what-being-self-sufficient-means\/","title":{"rendered":"Life\u2019s Big Transitions and What Being \u201cSelf-Sufficient\u201d Means"},"content":{"rendered":"
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This week\u2019s episode of The Money with Katie Show<\/em><\/a> covers the expensive gauntlet of financial and physical labor required to transition loved ones into the \u201cfinal phase\u201d of their lives: potentially decades of retirement and eventually, end-of-life care. <\/p>\n

This transition from providing care to potentially needing it marks a sort of full-circle moment in the human lifespan, and is typically characterized by our inability to be entirely self-sufficient\u2014someone (or something) else must fill in the gaps. <\/p>\n

If we\u2019re lucky, this looks like a big pot of money squirreled away over one\u2019s lifetime, ironclad insurance policies, and the teams of care workers or facilities they can buy. As such, the episode primarily focused on the tactical, fiscal elements of this transition: the checklists, the financial and healthcare professionals, and legal preparation. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>This phase of life\u2014graduating into a larger, more \u201cadult\u201d home\u2014is characterized by eerie similarities to the end-of-life phase: It\u2019s a state of subsidized self-sufficiency.\u00a0\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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But I found myself feeling periodically despondent while developing the episode, imagining my future as a pink-haired granny alone in a care center. I felt preemptive pings of loneliness at the idea, and hoped I\u2019d like my own future setup as much as my Grandma Jean likes her continuing care retirement community.<\/p>\n

For this reason and others, big transitions\u2014and how to prepare for them\u2014are on my mind.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s through this sobering lens that I\u2019m reflecting on my recent cross-country move, and the sheer absurdity of hauling 5,000 pounds of life detritus through mountain ranges, over bodies of water, and under countless underpasses, just to set up the same shop somewhere else.<\/p>\n

It struck me that this<\/em> phase of life\u2014graduating into a larger, more \u201cadult\u201d home, albeit still as renters\u2014is characterized by eerie similarities to the end-of-life phase I described earlier: It\u2019s a state of subsidized self-sufficiency<\/strong>. <\/p>\n

After all, we didn\u2019t pack, transport, or unload our belongings ourselves\u2014two teams of deceptively strong, sweaty men did that for us, in exchange for roughly $8,000 (of which we\u2019re holding our breath the Air Force reimburses a sizable chunk). <\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t traverse Wyoming, Utah, and Nevada by covered wagon or foot\u2014we traveled in two vehicles that we have to pay to own, maintain, and insure. <\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t drive 17 hours straight through; we stayed in a Residence Inn in Salt Lake City, booking two rooms to keep our dog and cat separated (that\u2019ll be $200 in additional pet fees, please).<\/p>\n

And upon arriving, we didn\u2019t weave the mats for the bathrooms from nearby palm fronds or fashion the garbage bins out of tree bark from the backyard\u2014we took our asses to Target (twice) to pay a premium for trendy consumables in a pleasantly lit big box store.<\/p>\n

There are few things that remind you of your lack of true<\/em> self-sufficiency\u2014your utter reliance on money and the things it can buy\u2014like moving across the country. <\/p>\n

At every discombobulated turn, you\u2019re faced with your dependence. Untethered from your routines, you must contend with new obstacles (oh, shit, there\u2019s no washer\/dryer\u2026I guess we need to buy them\u2026is that an electric or gas hookup? *begins rhythmically head bopping to <\/em>Home Depot song<\/em><\/span><\/a>*<\/em>). You must rely on the proximity of the nearest Chipotle while awaiting your kitchen supplies or sustaining yourself through hundreds of miles of desert driving (is five visits in four days excessive?<\/em>).<\/p>\n

Of course, each transaction costs money. And if you\u2019re a homeowner, multiply the experience by about 250% and hold on tight: On day 2, a rogue beeping in the attic of our new house had us hoisting one another off the top of a rickety ladder into the brains of the home, where we found a leaking A\/C unit working overtime to cool down the house in a 105 degree northern California heat wave. The homeowner graciously and apologetically rushed a repairman over, and I found myself feeling quietly grateful that at least that<\/em> expense wouldn\u2019t be added to our list. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>Most of our self-sufficiency in the modern world is an illusion that boils down to little more than money.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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My status as a human domesticated house cat is probably clear by now; most of my scrappy problem-solving skills honed from years of being too broke to pay other people to help have been blunted by the privilege that accompanies having resources. <\/p>\n

Still, the experience reminded me\u2014with almost cosmic timing, given the episode\u2019s release date\u2014that most<\/em> of our self-sufficiency in the modern world is an illusion that boils down to little more than money,<\/strong> and most things typically cost about 20% more than originally estimated. <\/p>\n

Unless you\u2019re a survivalist with a doomsday bunker and an understanding of how to wire your own electric from post-apocalyptic power lines \u00e0 la Bill<\/span><\/a> from The Last of Us<\/em> (a pop culture reference I\u2019ve now made twice on this site, weirdly enough), you\u2019ll probably find yourself relying on money a lot<\/em> throughout life\u2019s big transitions, more than any mechanical know-how or abundance of time and energy. <\/p>\n

I could draw a few predictable conclusions here, the most obvious of which is probably, \u201cI don\u2019t know, keep saving? Don\u2019t live beyond your means, because life is expensive enough already?\u201d and that, of course, would be true\u2014but there\u2019s another, subtler element of these types of experiences that feels worth highlighting, too: <\/p>\n

Transitions are bumpy: Getting married (or more specifically, having a wedding), moving across the country, buying your first home, having your first (or second, or third) child, sending a kid to college, moving a parent into a care facility\u2026these passages are not just financially burdensome, but emotionally challenging, too\u2014even the events that are \u201csupposed\u201d to be categorically happy or exciting. The ups and downs can feel like a spiritual roller coaster full of tolls that require a credit card on file, which can be, of course, the worst kind of ride. <\/p>\n

It seems to me that while most of us know we need to financially<\/em> prepare (save for a down payment, invest for retirement, set aside a rotunda-sized pile of cash for tuition), we don\u2019t often psychologically prepare ourselves for these transitions beyond the requisite freaking out that can push us to act in our own best interest and start contributing to the brokerage account.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>I had spent so much time financially and logistically preparing that I didn\u2019t address the emotional aspect of moving somewhere totally new; of stopping one chapter to start a new one.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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Because I, too, made a crucial mistake in my estimation of our move. I thought, Oh, between our own savings and the Air Force\u2019s subsidies, we\u2019re covered\u2014we paid for the full pack and unpack, I\u2019ve got labeled tubs set aside with all the things we need until our stuff arrives, and I set up utilities ahead of time. We\u2019re even luxuriating in the \u201covernight pitstop\u201d of a very respectable Residence Inn. What could go wrong?! I\u2019ve addressed every possible snafu ahead of time<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s probably this detached sterility that\u2019s to blame for the homesickness that hit me like a ton of bricks upon arriving in California: I had spent so much time financially and logistically preparing that I didn\u2019t address the emotional aspect of moving somewhere totally new; of stopping one chapter to start a new one. <\/p>\n

And while this is undoubtedly the fuzzier, softer element\u2014a component of big changes that many don\u2019t<\/em> have the privilege of devoting energy to\u2014it\u2019s an important hurdle that isn\u2019t<\/em> money-responsive. You can\u2019t outsource your anxiety, grief, or overwhelm to a team of sweaty dudes (although Henah reminded me, somewhat cheekily, that money can<\/em> buy Lexapro). Sometimes, those feelings are the neurological neon signs that tell us we\u2019re pushing too hard, too fast. <\/p>\n

Those<\/em> are the features of life\u2019s big transitions that actually require self-sufficiency\u2014and, sometimes, asking for help. <\/p>\n

Somewhat circularly, they have financial implications, too, as the pressure to execute the big life events fabulously\u2014and in quick succession\u2014might mean getting in over your head.  <\/p>\n

Going slowly through these big transitions\u2014having patience with yourself and your loved ones who may process things differently, not putting pressure on yourself or others to get it \u201cright\u201d right away, and asking for help when you need it\u2014might be the only way to make it through.<\/p>\n

No, you don\u2019t need to pay for daycare and invest for the college fund and retirement simultaneously\u2014and yes, you can put something on the back burner for now. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>Going slowly through these big transitions might be the only way to make it through.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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Yes, it\u2019s perfectly reasonable to feel sad and scared while making arrangements for an aging parent, and no, you don\u2019t need to do everything all at once. <\/p>\n

No, you don\u2019t need to perfectly furnish your first home within the first six months\u2014and yes, it\u2019s okay if your kitchen is a little dated.<\/p>\n

What you don\u2019t<\/em> want to do is subject life\u2019s toll-ridden emotional roller coaster to the tyranny of the \u201cshoulds\u201d\u2014especially at the expense of your wallet and mental health. <\/p>\n

\u201cI should<\/em> own a home by now.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI should<\/em> be able to send my kids to college without debt.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI should<\/em> be able to afford daycare and simultaneously contribute the maximum to my 401(k).\u201d<\/p>\n

These are, of course, fine goals, but the implicit pressures that accompany them can chip away at their positive outcomes, clouding each experience with a persistent feeling of unease. <\/p>\n

And if you find that some of these transitions won\u2019t ever<\/em> be for you (having a child, buying a home, indulging in a traditional retirement), that\u2019s okay, too\u2014both money and<\/em> emotional capacity are finite resources for most of us. Fortunately, when we allow ourselves the space to step back and consult our little internal cast of characters (Joy, Fear, etc.), those priorities might emerge more clearly. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This week\u2019s episode of The Money with Katie Show covers the expensive gauntlet of financial and physical labor required to transition loved ones into the \u201cfinal phase\u201d of their lives: potentially decades of retirement and eventually, end-of-life care.  This transition from providing care to potentially needing it marks a sort of full-circle moment in the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":2507,"template":"","meta":[],"categories":[12,52],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-295","essays","type-essays","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-economy","category-money-psychology"],"yoast_head":"\nLife\u2019s Big Transitions and What Being \u201cSelf-Sufficient\u201d Means - Money with Katie<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/lifes-big-transitions-and-what-being-self-sufficient-means\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Life\u2019s Big Transitions and What Being \u201cSelf-Sufficient\u201d Means - 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