{"id":2620,"date":"2025-10-14T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-10-14T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/?post_type=essays&p=2620"},"modified":"2025-10-14T23:46:21","modified_gmt":"2025-10-14T23:46:21","slug":"the-provider-aesthetic-of-love-is-blind","status":"publish","type":"essays","link":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/the-provider-aesthetic-of-love-is-blind\/","title":{"rendered":"The Provider Aesthetic of Love Is Blind"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Love Is Blind<\/em> season 9 contestant \u201cSparkle\u201d Megan Walerius says men are intimidated by her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her own words: \u201cI\u2019ve done very well for myself professionally. I think it takes a very confident and secure man to be with a woman like me. It\u2019s going to be interesting to navigate, are they just after me for money or is it me for who I am<\/em>?\u201d As Gwen Stefani\u2019s \u201cRich Girl\u201d plays in the background, Megan confides in her first confessional that she\u2019s still single because some men are put off by \u201chow I live, my level of success, the car I drive, the house I live in.\u201d The camera leers at her various accessories in heavy-handed tight shots on her sparkly shoes, a thin diamond bracelet on one wrist, and a stack of gold jewelry on the other, each punctuated by a \u201ccha-ching\u201d sound. We are a mere 16 minutes and 47 seconds into episode one, and the editing has already illustrated Megan with all the nuance of a bedazzled LinkedIn manifesto.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This sets up the viewer for contradiction-induced vertigo when, moments later during one of her first dates, a real estate investor named Mike asks if his leaving a bunch of dirty dishes on the counter would make her mad. (Has this man never had roommates?) She hesitates. After eking out a high-pitched ummmmm<\/em>, she sidesteps this trapdoor by widening her scope to abstraction. \u201cIt would annoy me, for sure, but I\u2019m also\u2026I kind of believe in more traditional gender roles.\u201d His barely concealed excitement at this disclosure, accompanied by eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise and a jaunty hand-on-hip, is the okayyyy!<\/em> heard \u2018round the pods. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m kind of an anomaly,\u201d she hurriedly explains, \u201cbecause, yes, I\u2019ve had an amazing career, but I also value, you know, the woman being that nurturer, and I definitely want my man to be kind of \u2018the provider\u2019…like, the security and the safety. I think there\u2019s something to be said about a man who\u2019s like, \u2018Yeah, I want to take care of my woman.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mike, who moves like a man always on the precipice of soft-pitching a startup, would appear at first blush to fit this bill (but at what cost?). In a later date, he careens through an explanation of his own financial position in \u201cthis larger\u2026we call it a tribe, but it\u2019s a national thing. A bunch of guys that are wealthy are a part of it.\u201d (In real bullet-dodging fashion, Megan ends up choosing a guy named Jordan, who lists the reasons he likes her in his own confessional\u2014\u201cconfident,\u201d \u201cindependent,\u201d \u201cstrong\u201d\u2014though she registers early concerns about their \u201clifestyles meshing,\u201d presumably referencing her success relative to his.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Money has always been a phantom contestant on Love Is Blind<\/em>, a series that debuted a genuinely novel dating show premise in 2020. Still, season nine seemed to be making a point. Having barely just recovered from Megan and Mike\u2019s asset management summit<\/s> date, we are confronted again by its presence minutes later when another contestant named Anton plucks a similar chord in one of his first dates with a healthcare professional named Ali. \u201cI\u2019ve built my business. I\u2019ve bought my first house when I was really young. I\u2019ve done well for myself, and I\u2019m the provider. I\u2019m very, like, old-school, traditional, in terms of how I treat women.\u201d There are those words again: provider<\/em>; traditional<\/em>. (In a later episode, Ali and Anton\u2014having chosen to get engaged\u2014playfully debate how much he should\u2019ve spent on her ring. He says $5,000, she doubles his money and goes for $10,000. The gag is that production buys the rings<\/a>; the contestants pay nothing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These interactions present a real hammer\u2013nail conundrum for a viewer in my line of work, which requires being painfully aware of the gendered labor statistics economists have been firing off for the last two decades like unheeded distress flares, a sad fireworks display of futile awareness. Heterosexual couples in which the woman is the primary earner are the only \u201ctype\u201d in time-use research where the primary earner also spends more time on \u201chome production\u201d tasks. A 2025 National Bureau of Economic Research working paper<\/a> found that \u201c[i]n every other couple type\u2014heterosexual couples with male breadwinners, lesbian couples, and gay couples\u2014the breadwinner spends less time on home production than the non-breadwinner,\u201d taking care to point out that \u201cthis is driven not by childcare\u201d (which could ostensibly carry some genuine biological limitations early on) but rather \u201cchores like food preparation and cleaning.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time Kalybriah asks Edmond if he\u2019s looking for a \u201ctraditional or non-traditional marriage,\u201d I braced for impact\u2014all but certain this was an intentional theme of the episode\u2014but Edmond\u2019s answer (\u201cdefinitely non-traditional\u201d) takes the conversation to new and welcome territory. Kalybriah agrees. \u201cI\u2019m okay if I\u2019m the breadwinner; I\u2019m okay if my husband\u2019s the breadwinner. I\u2019m okay if I cook; I\u2019m okay if my husband cooks.\u201d At this, Edmond and I both engaged in private celebration. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One fair read of all this posturing is that when educated, high-income women say \u201cprovider,\u201d what they really mean is contributor<\/em>\u2014someone who isn\u2019t a net-drag on their resources. Another is that it\u2019s serving a different purpose altogether: subtly setting expectations about physical appearance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to explain: The meet-your-soulmate-through-a-wall format has given way to a few predictable tropes. One of my favorite reviews<\/a> of the show named the bombastic flirting style\u2014\u201cHot Person vibes\u201d\u2014of the contestants who \u201cspend lots of money (on clothes, on cosmetic procedures) and time (at the gym, at the club) with the express goal of being seen,\u201d which is often subconsciously perceptible to the person on the other side of the wall. \u201cA Hot Person doesn\u2019t have to sell themself; they\u2019re operating under an assumption that they are desired,\u201d Emily Palmer Heller writes, even when they cannot be seen. This observation, I thought, was brilliant. The paths of inquiry this reality has given us\u2014like all the creative ways the men try to assess whether a woman is thin (\u201cCould I put you on my shoulders at a concert?\u201d)\u2014reveal many techniques for deducing whether someone is your \u201ctype\u201d that don\u2019t immediately scan as overtly about looks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it was only in watching season nine, episode one, that I finally recognized a new line of questioning (and calculated self-revelation) that seemed to hint at the same: asserting an approval of so-called \u201ctraditional\u201d gender dynamics, a choreography so committed to our cultural muscle memory that it\u2019s easy to forget it\u2019s less about dollars than desirability. Broadcasting your embrace of this arrangement is really about signaling femininity\u2014and femininity, to bastardize the Miranda July line<\/a>, is really just beauty.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since the beginning of the women\u2019s rights movement, the political avatar for a woman who challenges gender roles has been The Feminist, or a person who believes in\u2014and I suppose this is my working definition\u2014liberation from a biological narrowing of your humanity. Since the 19th century, feminists have been portrayed as unattractive, masculine \u201chags,\u201d fighting for something \u201cunnatural\u201d (equal rights under the law). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The right to vote, pay equity, and egalitarian partnerships are things that hot chicks don\u2019t want, you see, because their beauty allows them to access something far superior to all that noise: a doting husband with money. This is the implicit trade. The savvy leaders of the suffrage movement knew this, and as such, embraced \u201cfeminine\u201d presentation in public and in propaganda to defuse the politically noxious bomb that women who wanted equality were, either as a result or inciting factor, ugly\u2014the worst thing a woman can be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a recent episode of Diabolical Lies<\/em> that analyzed how modern misunderstandings of \u201ctradition\u201d inform reactionary beliefs about gender, I played a six-month-old clip for my cohost in which the late Charlie Kirk and his wife Erika discuss the proper roles for men and women in marriage. \u201cHow much did you guys discuss religion, finances, politics, how to raise children, before getting engaged?\u201d a listener asked. Charlie zeroes in on finances, then addresses his male listeners directly: \u201cMen, you should be completely in charge of finances.\u201d Somewhat bewilderingly given her role as the founder and ostensible owner of two companies, Erika emphatically agrees. Charlie continues: \u201cYour wife should have nothing to do with it. I mean, they can have input, but you should release that burden from your wife and just take care of all the money.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of minutes later, buoyed by her support, Charlie doubles down, this time addressing his female listeners: \u201cIf you are marrying a man that is not capable of completely and totally handing the finances, then you should not marry that man.\u201d At this, she lightly pushes back, but he insists that a marriage in which women financially participate by earning or managing money is unnatural; a fiscal manifestation of \u201cconfused gender roles\u201d which spells disaster for the fragile arrangement of heterosexual monogamy, its stability forever hanging in the balance of invisible, highly specific rules about whether it\u2019s gay to do your own laundry. The woman\u2019s proper role in all of this, they agree, is what they call (but, it\u2019s worth noting, struggle to coherently define) \u201csubmission.\u201d Tellingly, part of what submission entails, Erika explains, is \u201c\u2026you need to take care of yourself in order to\u2026you can\u2019t be looking like Adam Sandler and expect that you\u2019re going to\u2026\u201d We never find out what we shouldn\u2019t expect if we indulge the slapstick aesthetic of basketball shorts and Hawaiian shirts, because here, Charlie interrupts to tell the men that, for them, success in love comes down to \u201cjust figur[ing] out ways to make more money.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After reviewing a few more examples from similar programming, my cohost, novelist Caro Claire Burke, clocked the bottom line of this rhetorical maneuvering. \u201cThey use terms like soft and feminine and submissive,\u201d antonyms for the masculine, traditional provider archetype, \u201cbut what they\u2019re really talking about is pretty<\/em>. You have to be pretty.\u201d In that sense, a female Love Is Blind<\/em> candidate who\u2019s comfortable demanding that her partner offer masculine power and provision is, in a roundabout way, hinting at her own adherence to a woman\u2019s role in this quid pro quo: beauty. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be sure, I don\u2019t believe these contestants are doing this purposely or deceptively\u2014on the contrary, we\u2019re all so fluent in this cultural script (feminists ugly, submissive young brides pretty) that it usually evades conscious recognition altogether. When Anton says he believes a man should be a provider and casts himself as such, he is not just stating a preference for how household finances are handled (though he will later express hesitation about Ali having her own bank account)\u2014he is issuing a tacit expectation that he is met in this transaction by a woman who understands her role to \u201cnot look like Adam Sandler,\u201d as Erika put it. Fortunately for him, Ali is a smokeshow with a job; it remains to be seen whether Anton makes a commensurate amount of money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More instructively, this interpretation translates Megan\u2019s seemingly incongruous statements about her lifestyle and belief system into something more legible. She does not actually wish to become a stay-at-home wife with an allowance. She just wants Mike to know she\u2019s hot. (\u201cI\u2019m just very drawn to Mike,\u201d she says privately, stating the obvious. \u201cI want to build an empire with someone, and I think he would be a great person to do it with\u201d\u2014not exactly the language of a gal hoping to hang up the old Slack account.) In a dating environment where the power of one\u2019s looks are totally neutralized, it\u2019s no wonder this sort of antiquated shorthand becomes a crutch for communicating something as clumsy as desire. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These desires are, of course, shaped by what\u2019s happening outside the pods. This includes the broader economic reality of the 2020s, which might clarify the urgency of the contestants\u2019 task to get married to someone they met a month ago. In her 2006 essay \u201cAmerican Nightmare<\/a>,\u201d political theorist Wendy Brown sketches the relationship between neoliberal economic principles (read: what the kids call \u201clate-stage capitalism\u201d) and social conservatism (read: Charlie Kirk telling young men not to get married unless they earn enough money to support a family). In modern life, the mythic \u201cmale provider\u2013female nurturer\u201d dynamic is positioned like a comforting antidote to the very real challenges of an unforgiving society that constructs \u201cgovernance according to market criteria.\u201d The genius of Brown\u2019s essay and the book it later appeared to inspire, Melinda Cooper\u2019s 2017 Family Values<\/em>, is that they expose how these two powerful forces are not countervailing, but conspiring.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In other words, it\u2019s difficult to discern where a romantic imperative blurs into an economic one: A 2023 paper<\/a> from the Federal Reserve of Dallas found that a version of the US where marriage did not exist would see prime-age male work hours decline by 7%. Is this because, without the prospect of marriage (\u201cjust figuring out ways to make more money\u201d to get a girlfriend), men wouldn\u2019t work as much? Or because once they\u2019re married (per the time-use data), they have more time or incentive for work? The direction of the correlation is not conclusive, but the data suggests the economic powers that be would have a reasonable vested interest in Anton saying \u201cyes\u201d at the altar.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In episode eight, after touring a $2 million home with his new fianc\u00e9e Sparkle Megan, a visibly uncomfortable Jordan equivocates: \u201cI don\u2019t think she\u2019ll ever feel like I\u2019m mooching,\u201d he explains, \u201cbut I feel like a mooch, you know? The fact that she\u2019s just talking about buying a house for us, and she\u2019s like, \u2018I\u2019ll take care of it, don\u2019t worry about it.\u2019 I think that\u2019d be hard for any blue-collar guy to absorb, because I\u2019ve always been the provider, and now someone\u2019s stepping in.\u201d It\u2019s satisfying to watch these two people process the friction of transgressing their \u201croles\u201d in real time, particularly because we know if the situation were reversed, asymmetric financial success would be nothing more than a happy ending. \u201cBut I don\u2019t want her to be stepping down, and like, maybe not living the life she wants as a compromise to be with me,\u201d he continues, before appearing to reclaim the word that\u2019s been so freighted up until that point: \u201cSo I want to make her feel at home, and be a provider for her, too.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Love Is Blind season 9 contestant \u201cSparkle\u201d Megan Walerius says men are intimidated by her. In her own words: \u201cI\u2019ve done very well for myself professionally. I think it takes a very confident and secure man to be with a woman like me. It\u2019s going to be interesting to navigate, are they just after me […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":2521,"template":"","meta":[],"categories":[30,28],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2620","essays","type-essays","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","category-feminism"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Provider Aesthetic of Love Is Blind - Money with Katie<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/the-provider-aesthetic-of-love-is-blind\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Provider Aesthetic of Love Is Blind - Money with Katie\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Love Is Blind season 9 contestant \u201cSparkle\u201d Megan Walerius says men are intimidated by her. 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